Dear Aaron: I love you
You just had a fit from your nightmare.
You kicked and screamed and cried and could not be consoled.
I held you tight and rocked you, but your body was rigid and could not be comforted.
I wondered what demand was hunting you in your sleep.
Then, Anakin woke up, and you opted to go to Babi and I had to tend to Anakin instead.
After Anakin fell back asleep, I went to your room to check on you and saw you curled up into a little ball under Babli’s feet, hid in the blanket.
Babi said you were upset because I said that I do not want you any more.
As I recall of our conversation the night before, you were the one who said you do not want me as a mommy any more. Your words were “我不要這個媽咪了，我要找一個新的媽咪不會罵我、會每天都買玩具給我的媽咪。”I had playfully replied “好啊，你找得到這樣的媽咪我就把你送給她。”
Though, Babi insisted that when you said “我不要媽咪了”, I had replied that “那我也不要你了.” Had I, dear Aaron?
If I had, then I had uttered those words so carelessly and mindlessly that I totally do not remember, especially the mood and tone of our conversation had been a playful one.
Why did you hold those words so close to heart that you brought them to sleep?
What feelings have you been bottling up in your little heart?
What thoughts have you been locking up in your little mind?
Could you truly believe that mommy would give you up so easily?
My dear Aaron, it is so difficult being a parent.
I have been doing my best to assure you my love and consistent presence, but was my efforts so futile that your trust in my love could be shuttered in so few words?
This is so very upsetting and frustrating and disappointing.
I had joggled between you and a relatively high paying and socially rewarding job since your birth until you turned 3, and functioned in the minimal 3~5 hours daily sleep.
I had quit my job entirely after you turned 3 when you refused to go to preschool and had filled my schedule with your presence until you started preschool last summer.
I had forgone my intellectual stimulation to the millions whys of a 3 year old.
I had left the air-conditioned office to parks and playgrounds.
I had stored away computer to make way for finger painting and dough playing.
We had lots and lots of fun together.
We collected leaves and observed bugs.
We talked about God and your great-grandparents.
We played swings and slides and counted clouds.
But… alas, all these memories I held so dear to heart were lost in yours.
In a few meaningless words, you are shattered.
My dear Aaron, being a parent does not come with manuals.
One day, when you are reading these words, I hope you will be reminded that mommy love you so very very very much.
You recently have been toying with the concept of infinity.
Well, my darling, that’s how much I love you.
One day, when you have little ones of your own, maybe reading this will make you less upset in your own war of parenting.
As you will learn that no matter how much you do as a parent, your child can forget easily.
And as you will also learn that no matter how many times and how bad your heart is broken by your child, you can forgive and continue giving.
I love you, my baby.
Even with Anakin sharing my time with you, my love for you is not lessened.
A mother’s heart is as big as the universe,
And it can contain infinite love for all of her children.
2010/05/29, Aaron (5Y4M) and Anakin (6M) posing for 統一多多星選拔 photo.
Taken by 想當星媽想瘋了的媽咪~
2010/4/29, 5Y3M, Aaron school photo